Bored and broke

Love letters straight from the heart

2005-01-11T21:39:00.000Z

When I logged into my e-mail this morning, I had been sent one of the most loving e-mails ever. Not arsey poncey head-in-the-clouds type love , but real, honest feeling love. That's why this is the best relationship I've ever been in. It's real. No pretentious fakery, I am myself without fear, and I hope he is being himself too. I've never been loved for being me, I've always been loved for trying to be whoever whomever wanted me to be. And that's why it's never lasted before now, but this time it's different, this is forever.

Who else but me would cry tears of happiness over an e-mail that contains these lines:

"Even your mother likes me.
Your dog doesn't stink as much as I make out, yet does smell all the same ;"

Where did it go?

2005-01-10T22:23:00.000Z

I typed in a whole big long post, tried top check the spelling before publishing and it disappeard - so now you're being treated to the condensed version!

I started a diet last week, and since I decided to diet I have ate more chocolate and shite than I consumed over the Christmas holidays - not good.

I started revision last week, and have managed to distract myself with more crap on tv and essential housework (yeah, like I'm that bothered about housework normally) than ever before.

My resolutions last year were to lost weight (if that had worked I wouldn't be on a diet now) and to get out of debt (well, I might be slighltly less in debt, but I'm still there).

So, from now on I resolve not to resolve any more, and maybe now I'll get stuff done!

Still worried

2004-06-25T18:56:00.000+01:00

When I first looked at my exam results I was overwhelmed. And relieved. One exam in particular had been really difficult - I wasn't sure I had passed, even though I had worked my arse off for it, and learnt everything by rote (vic keeps saying it's not the way to pass exams, but hey, top of the class in 3 out of 4 modules tells me I'm doing it the right way for me). Now I am plagued with worry that I have been wrongly marked, and that someone will complain about their low mark which, when checked, will in fact be mine. I keep going to the exam results page expecting my mark to have changed.

I haven't celebrated passing because my mates either
a)Live in a different country
b) Try it on with me at the end of the night (2 years on and you're still trying Simple, get over it, I'm not interested)
c) Rattle on relentlessly about their upcoming wedding (and yes, there's only a bit of bitterness there - it was my dream wedding, and they stole it)
d) Aren't my mates any more

I lost so many friends when I was going out with the Leper - and to be honest, most of them I don't give a damn about. I felt betrayed by most of them, and trust is crucial for me - without trust, there can be no relationship of any kind.

Though there is one who I'd love to befriend again. She was one of the few he didn't bed. We stopped talking over something I perceived to be quite petty, but which was something major for her. We had tickets for a night out, her and her bf, me and the Leper. Her bf dumped her, so, without saying anything to me, gave the Leper's ticket to one of our other friends, and changed the night to a girls night out. I felt unable to go - it was something we had all looked forward to, and I felt it was unfair on the Leper to be treated like well, a leper, just because he was male. She said I had put him before her, and she felt that there was no point continuing our friendship. I was stunned, and said nothing. I wish I had said something at the time, and out of all the friends who fell by the wayside, she is the only one I miss. She is headstrong though, and I am too scared of being snubbed to contact her. Also I still think I did what was right.

Maybe that makes me headstrong too, I don't know.

Pass

2004-06-23T18:18:00.000+01:00

I feel like celebrating - I passed all my exams. My marks for this year are 71, 74, 81 and 84. Just hope I can keep it up over the next 2.5 years, I'd love a first. I deserve chocolate and wine cos I am so fantastic :-)

Birthday busyness

2004-06-18T22:50:00.000+01:00

It was H's birthday yesterday, not that she had much birthday fun. Whilst she went to school, I went to court; my ex husband didn't show, it was adjourned for yet another week, and so it goes on.....
Anyway, after school H had a dancing exam. I just had time to get both the kids a McDonalds for their tea, and then they were off to a school play. A was an usher and H was in the choir. WE got home just after Big Brother had started, so they were straight to bed, and both were sleeping in no time.
So, to compensate, she was allowed to have 3 friends stay over tonight before her party tomorrow afternoon.
First - my oil tank in the back garden sprung a leak. It was recently filled and contained at least 900 litres of home heating oil, so that was all slowly draining into my garden
Next - got the tank fixed, but now my heating won't go. Ah well, I thought, it'll hardly matter, it's June, it's warm, we'll not need the heating. FFS I'm freezing tonight.
And - I have 32 kids coming round for a birthday party in my garden tomorrow -and it's raining. I don't want 32 kids in my house!
And there's more! One of H's friends fell and cut both knees and hurt her hand quite badly. As I was patching her up the other one ran into something and gave herself a black eye. The third friend has just been dosed up with Calpol and put to bed with a sore throat.
Fun, eh? Roll on tomorrow, it can only get better...

Connect four

2004-06-16T10:54:00.000+01:00

I love reading. I like to read on the loo, in the car waiting for the kids, while watching tv, in the bath - anywhere really. I've always loved reading, but until recently I always felt I had to finish a book once started, whether or not it was shite. I finally allowed myself to realise that reading for fun should be just that - fun, so if I am not enjoying a book, I put it down and start reading another. Usually I can read any old trite crap, but this week I have set myself an all time record of non-book completion.

On Friday I started reading From Here to Eternity - by all accounts an excellent film, so I really looked forward to getting my teeth into this 900 page long book. I gave up at about page 50. I didn't care about any of the characters in the book, they felt pretty one dimensional and I hated the authors writing style. Ah well, it's only a book, and next to look forward to was

Paycheck by Philip K. Dick. Well, his previous books Bladerunner, Minority Report and Total Recall were excellent films, though once again I had never read any of them. The trailer for Paycheck didn;t look too bad either, so surely this would be more promising? Page 102, close book, put it in the return to library pile. Sci-fi might be endurable errrrrr enjoyable for the duration of a 2 hour film, but sitting and reading it is a different story.

Next was one of Richard & Judy's summer read books. Could be promising - after all, on their last book list I enjoyed all the books but one. Well, seems like this is the one I am destined not to enjoy from this list. Obviously my patience is diminishing too, page 26 marked then end of this one for me.

Now I'm struggling with American Psycho and really I don't know if I want to struggle with it any more. I'm on page 105. I have read reviews which say the book is slow for about the first 200 pages, and then after that it gets good. Well, Captain Corelli's Mandolin had an incredibly slow start, but it was beautifully written and a pleasure to read even when the going was slow. But this? Pah, I really don't think it is going to be worth the effort in the end.

If I put this down it'll be four in a row. All I want is a good book to read, I'm not asking the impossible....am I?

Back home

2004-06-13T20:44:00.000+01:00

I'm back from visiting Vic and I am, as usual, feeling lonely as hell. But ah well, life goes on. I had several tearful phone calls from the kids throughout the week; their relationship with my mum wasn;t what I had hoped it would be, and I doubt I will be able to leave them for a week again, my conscience wouldn't let me.

But at least I had a great week :)

On Saturday we went to a mad rockers place where we met up with some of the lads from XDC, photos here. It was crap but the drink was cheap, the craic was ace and so the place didn't really matter, though I scared myself by beginning to enjoy the mental music by the end of the night. We then went and stayed with Vic's sister. I had been nervous about meeting her, but about 7 pints helped me with my nerves, and she was really lovely and ever so pretty too, so it wasn't so bad after all.

I got lost in York while Vic sat an exam, but it wasn't too bad really. I had a book and I sat under a tree and read like a pathetic being while he came and found me - ahhh, my hero! We watched Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban which I had already seen and yet I still enjoyed it immensely. We also watched The Day After Tomorrow, which was total utter shite. But sure it wasted a few hours.

We went to Toffs with Vic's mate, and again I had too many pints and too much fun - but sure I was on holiday, it's allowed :-)

So now I'm at home, planning my daughters birthday party and getting the kids ready for school in the morning - it's almost as if I never went away.

I miss you Vic.

On my jollies:)

2004-06-04T18:16:00.000+01:00

I'm away for a while, off to visit Vic for a week and a day, so I'll see you next week. You being the two peoplke who read my blog. I suspect one of the two may be me when I log on to read my comments. So, I'll be back next week Vanessa :D

Terminal laziness

2004-06-03T14:29:00.000+01:00

I was lazy before, but I have gotten even lazier now - no exams, no revision, no coursework; now add to that list no housework. I need to get on with it before my mum comes to mind the kids next week. She will clean my house for me, but inherent in her cleaning will be the criticism of just how dirty my house was before. She loves nothing better than to clean my floor and leave the dirty floorcloth unwashed as evidence of just how dirty it was. Once when she insisted on cleaning the kids rooms she then told me she was horrified, and that she could only liken the mess to something she had seen on tv, for she had never encountered the lie of it in real life.

This I can vouch for. I remember routinely being woken at 7am at weekends so mum could hoover my room and clean the blinds. I remember summer holidays filled with lists of tasks which had to be completed to her standards before other things could be done. I remember the whole house papered with woodchip wallpaper so it was easy to repaint it all white the next year - white walls every where, no colour. I remember our house and my mums hands always smelling of bleach. I remember commenting once that it was like growing up in a hospital, a sterile environment, and I remember longing for colour.

Well, now I have colour in my life. Possibly just a little too much for my mum to bear. I'd better get my cleaning started, and I know I'll never get things up to her standards, even though she has dropped them considerably since we were younger.

HP and the prisoner of Azkaban

2004-05-31T23:37:00.000+01:00

Took the kids to see this earlier this evening. It is an ace film, scared the bejackers clean off me, lucky I'm a girl, eh? I am now trying to fight off any thoughts about Daniel Radcliffe - apparantly he is still a minor!! I still reckon he looks a bit like Louis Theroux

Another medal!

2004-05-29T17:41:00.000+01:00

Another day of gluing socks and dirty looks - but woohoo, another medal! The kid sitting beside me was brutally slated by both parents for forgetting her steps mid-dance, I could feel my eyes welling up just listening to them so no wonder the poor mite was in floods of tears. So there, I'm not as bad as them, am I?

Relaxation

2004-05-28T11:23:00.000+01:00

It's been blissfully quiet since the exams ended. Or, more to the point, I have allowed my inner voices to be quiet. I feel still. Calm. And truly relaxed. Possibly too relaxed - I've been incredibly lazy. It's not often I really allow myself to be so at ease, when reading I always have a part of my brain telling me I should be tidying bedrooms, cleaning floors or walking the dog. The only time I can fully relax is when I'm up to my neck in bubbles, soaking in the bath. But today, I'm enjoying that bath-time feeling. Without getting wet. This is bliss....

Mental? I think so

2004-05-27T09:48:00.000+01:00

I phoned ex hubby on Tuesday to tell him he needed to see the social worker to arrange contact between him and the kids. He told me he never wanted to see them again, and I hung up on him, not willing to listen to any of his rants.

Last night he decided to reply to an e-mail H had sent him on 29/1 this year. As there is a no contact order in place, I replied to him reminding him that he needed to contact the social worker.

This is the reply he sent me - the only changes I have nmade are to initialise the kids names

"dont u ever ask for money of me ever again the kids will grow up and make there own disition if they want to see me i am no longer going back to court u can have the kids and u was the bigest mistake of my life my family r totally discuted with u u r a bitter woman if it wasnt for me h would not be born i have lived here 11 years and u can go and do what ever u want i will not be going to any of your familys funeras. so enjoy your drugy life still and sad enternet friends. try and grow up and think what u r doing to the kids minds they will turn against u not me mark my words god is my witness . u need to confess your sins and go to mass good luck what go around comes around

bye good luck with your sad life contact me when u grow up . bye your ex husband a and h's father."

Freak!

Halfway there

2004-05-25T09:28:00.000+01:00

One exam down, one to go. I'm reminded of the song Kermit sang about being neither halfway up nor down. Can't wait till it's all over, and yet I know in a few weeks I will miss the mental stimulation.

Ex hubby has refused to speak to the social worker, he says he is moving back to England and it appears he doesn't want to have any more contact with the kids. Maybe things would be better like that, they'll be upset but they'll get over it., It's bound to be better than him fucking them up every week.. I hope. I haven't told them yet, I just said that their dad had refused to speak to the social worker so I wasn't really sure what was happening just yet. Their response was "typical". In a way I wish he had done this years ago, he has hardly been a positive role model for either of them.

It's going to take me at least a week to get my house cleaned - I did very little when Vic was here cos there were always more entertaining things to do, and I have neglectec it even more since he left as the realisation of just how little revision I had done hit me!

Ok, no more slacking, back to revising :(

Fecking exams

2004-05-24T20:50:00.000+01:00

Fecking exams and fecking revision and fecking lecturers.
Feck the lot of them.
One down, one to go. I wonder if I can just buy a degree on the web somewhere?

Gone again

2004-05-22T23:24:00.000+01:00

I'm feeling so
Lonely now that you have gone
On home and left me, once again
Violently missing you, feeling
Every heartbeat echo in the emptiness that is my existence alone, without
Your arms around me at night, your hands
On my body, your voice melting me from the inside out.
Until I can be with you again I will not feel
Complete, will not feel at
Home even though I am home. You know you belong here, with me, where you are loved-
Really loved with a passion that
Is eternal. Come back to me
Soon.

Vic is coming

2004-05-17T15:52:00.000+01:00

Vic is on his way. The sun is shining. I am happy. My kids are happy. My dog stinks and I don't care. I have exams next week and I don't care. I am broke, and guess what? I don't bloody well care.

I am in love and all is well in my heart, and that's all that matters :D

Irish dancing - again

2004-05-16T17:19:00.000+01:00

Another day spent in another hall full of yet more hopeful kids who have been dancing since they were three and yet more parents who have been making their kids practice since they were three, and me and my daughter.
I have always prided myself of not being like "them", not taking it too seriously, doing it for my daughters sake, for her fun, because she enjoys it.
And then today I looked at myself and couldn't really see much difference.
Getting up at 7.30am and driving for an hour to get there.
Making sure my daughters socks were on straight and exactly the same length before gluing them onto her legs to keep them in place.
On a sweltering hot morning, putting her in s dress that must weight half a stone, and topping the lot of with a "lovely" wig to complete the look.
Going over the steps in my head as she dances them, as if it makes any difference whether or not I know them - it's her has to dance, not me.
Smiling whilst inwardly cursing Jessica who insists on dancing immediately in front of my daughter every time the share the stage (thanks Vic for bringing that to our attention)
Five long hours later, going home with a medal and thinking that makes it all worth while.
Paying £350 for a new dress - I could get 10 new outfits for that!

My daughter loves it - but me? I've become competitive on her behalf, I've become all the things I despised in the other parents when I started taking her to a feis. And I don't think there's any going back now that I've got here.

2004-05-13T11:23:00.000+01:00

I got 2 new bras today. Now all my underwear looks scruffy in comparison. Apart from the new knickers which I got 2 weeks ago, and which I have been unable to wear so far as all my bras were too scruffy to warrant the wearing of new knickers

I got new trainers 2 weeks ago too, but have only worn them once cos I dont want to get them dirty. Where's the sense in that? Anyway, I don't want to wear them until I buy the nice handbag I seen that I just know will set them off beautifully. vic doesn't like it, but too bad - it's not him that will be wearing it!

I got the contraceptive implant today. It lasts for 3 years, it inserted into my arm rather than my womb, and so seemed infintley more preferable than the coil. I also thought it would be less painful having a wee thing slipped into my arm than it owuld be to have a coil forced through my cervix. Now I'm not so sure. I have a bandage around my upper arm, and the bruisin can already be seen creeping out underneath it. I have bled through the dressing and onto the bandage. If Vic was here I'd be playing it for symapthy, but I'll just have to moan to myself instead. The main thing is though, I'm a guaranteed pregnancy free zone until 12/5/2007 without having to remember to take any pills.

Lesbian love at it's best

2004-05-10T10:09:00.000+01:00

On a night out snog a girl at a club
One week later - move in with her
Have a big fight, go home crying
Another week later - get engaged
Have a big fight, go home crying
Another week later - book your wedding in Vegas for the start of the summer.
No prizes for guessing what happens next

22nd president of America

2004-05-06T12:48:00.000+01:00

2004-05-05T09:34:00.000+01:00

Today was really tiring.
I got out of bed reallu early cos I had to take the kids to school

I feel sad, because Sarah and Britney are complete bitches. They told everyone I have an STD, just because I slept with both of their boyfriends on Saturday night.

I'm so hardcore. Me and Buzz went to the mall today, and I stole a whole heap of stuff. I got a Good Charlotte CD, a couple of DVDs and some new boots. Buzz got caught, but he fought his way out, and then we stole some lady's car and smashed it into a phone booth.

Last night I had to masturbate twenty times. I'm so horny. Click here to see my website.

I want to tell the world that I'm gay.

I am making this journal Friends Only because of the perverts and stalkers who only want to see my photos.

Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! I'm so ugly. Don't look at my photos pleeeeeze.

I want to say thanks to simon and Abbey and Dave and the other Simon for helping me on Saturday. You guys are the best. By the way, if you happen to find my wallet, keys or underwear, could you SMS me? Adrian has my number.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have a terrible skin disease which prevents me from coming into contact with other human beings. And bipolar disorder.

You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you you're a moron.

That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with this thought - sharing your life with strangers on the internet is the cheapest form of therapy available. Leave a comment and tell me I'm beautiful.

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2004-04-07T12:42:00.000+01:00

Bah, I'm way too old to be getting told off as if I am a two year old. When I got to court this morning the solicitor was not impressed that I hadn't reported my ex's visit to the police, and told me that the orders are for my protection and if I don't report breaches of them there is no point in her getting further orders for me.

So I said I would phone the police and make a statement when I got home.

Only the policeman I was speaking too was none too impressed by the fact that it had taken me from Saturday night till this morning to decide to make a statement, and he wouldn't let me do it. He wasn't trying to disguise just how pissed off he was either.

So now I'm sitting here waiting for my solicitor to phone me back so she can tell me how unimpressed she is.

I want chocolate.

2004-04-04T23:34:00.000+01:00

Two things set my pulse racing as I was getting ready to go out last night.

Firstly, PsychoMan was stupid enough to come to the house even though I have a court order to keep him away. To be fair, he was only delivering Easter Eggs for the kids - but he isn't supposed to come near the house, or to attempt to see the kids. He has always bought them cheap, crappy Easter Eggs, but maybe the enforced separation from the kids has done some good because he bought them a Snickers eggs (3 for ÃÂ£5, but sure at least they are nice chocolate), a box of Ferrero Rocher (I am trying to convince H that she tried them at Christmas and hated them) and a tube of Mini eggs each. Anyway, as he is saying I'm an out and out liar, and we're back in court on Wednesday, I phoned the police so they would make a record of the fact that he had been here, as proof that he can't stick to any order the court makes. They wouldn't just take the details over the phone; they said they would have to take a statement and then follow it up with him, It all seemed a bit excessive over the head of a few Easter Eggs, so I let it go. But still, it scared me, because I wasn't expecting him on my doorstep again for a long, long time.

Then, on the way back from the shop, I noticed the road in front of me was blocked by a car - engine running, doors open, but no occupants. I got out to see what was going on, and there suddenly a big guff of thick black smoke engulfed me. I looked to the left, and saw Dennis from round the corner hammering on the door of the house 2 doors up from me, meanwhile smoke was billowing out of the top of the garage door. As I looked there was a small explosion (hey, I grew up in Belfast in the 70's, it was nothing really) and flames leapt out everywhere. The fire really caught hold quick, and the air was thick with smoke and ash. I drove on up and parked outside the house, then phoned the fire brigade. I then went back down to the house which was on fire and removed my friends children form the driveway - nosey wee monsters. I was ripping it in case the oil tank exploded, and my house instantly became an inferno, and my puppy dog and my bay hamsters all burned to death (not that I was over-panicking or anything, honest). Anyway, 3 fire engines, and over one hour later, the fire was out. The police were all over the place trying to work out how the fire had started, and so the neighbourhood curtain twitchers bagan their work. So far it was a poitin still that exploded, it was a drugs factory or it was Emmet the local reprobate. Once I knew my house wasn't going to go up in a puff of smoke (oh no, I have to wait 3 more years for my house to disappear) I was content to get ready and go out.

So, off to Kube for a night on the tiles. I can remember very little about the night apart from being a somewhat wasted agony aunt, imparting my sage advice whether wanted or not, and I also remember feeling that I was an incredibly good dancer (which means I was dancing like a right twat all night). I must have had a brill night because I woke myself up laughing inthe middle of the night - I haven't a clue what I was dreaming about, but it must have been good. I know I phoned Vic when I got in, and spouted some shite at him before being overcome by cold and falling into bed fully clothed, still wearing make up and without cleaning my teeth. All while rambling on to poor Vic on the phone. Poor man, I bet he's glad he wasn't here to have had to listen to me all night long!

2004-04-03T09:24:00.000+01:00

It's been a long time since I blogged, so much has happened, and yet it all seems to be so little. Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose. Or something.

Vic has been over again and once again I am left feeling very unsettled. I have had my day of self-indulgent tears, and now I'm just getting on with it - missing him so much that every morning when I wake up I have that feeling of something being not quite right almost straight away. He's going to buy a house over here in two years, when his course finishes. I had always visualised him coming here to live with us, but I've just heard my house is to pulled down in 2007 (thanks for letting me know that sooner, now that I've just finished my kitchen and the total cost was about Ãƒ‚Ã‚ÃÂ£800). Two years is a long, long time, but sure I've waiting one already so we're a third of the way there.

Thanks to my psychotic ex-husband I've been in court 3 times this last three weeks, and I will have the pleasure of going again on Wednesday. His moods are so unpredictable. I picked him up one Saturday afternoon to take him and the kids swimming, and he was fine. I left them at the leisure centre and the picked them up again an hour or two later. As he had been quite reasonable lately I didn't mind taking him places and then leaving him home again afterwards, even though he stinks like shit (and I'm not just using that as an expression, he does stink like shit. When Nikki was in the car with me, him and the kids last time she laughed at my retching).

As soon as he got into the car I knew that his demeanour had changed. He suffers with Schizo-Affective disorder which makes him bloody scary and unpredictable. Anyway, as soon as he got into the car he started shouting at me, saying I had tried to rule his life for far too long, and he was going to "sort me out". I stopped the car, told him to get out as he was frightening the kids. He turned round and told them that he was sorry they had to listen to him, but it was "about time your mother was taken down a peg or two". By this stage the tears were streaming down H's face, and A had his fingers in his ears and his head as far out the window as it would go. PsychoMan refused to get out of the car, so I said I would take him to the police station to have him removed from the car. He informed me that he had said all he had to say, so it was ok for me to take him home now. If the kids hadn't been in the car I would have told him to fuck right off. Instead I drove to the police station. Once he seen that I was really going to take him there he told me to stop the car. I did, and he got out, slamming the door so hard that the fascia fell of the car radio.

The kids were terrified as they had never before witnessed their dad in the middle of a rant. I got in the back of the car with them and comforted them as best as I could, told them that just cos their dad doesn't like me it doesn't mean that it's wrong for them to love him. He came back round to the house at 10.40 that night, but I refused to let him in. He left a comic each for the kids sitting on the doorstep - some apology, huh!

I went to court to get a non-molestation order - I have had to get these in the past as, from experience, he gets a lot worse before he gets better. Also, since he got a bloody good hiding I haven't allowed the kids to go to his house, and have been pressing for supervised visitation. As I am no longer happy to allow him to visit the kids at my house, contact between him and the kids had to be re-assessed. A no contact order was made, meaning he is not allowed to contact the kids. So now we have a social worker involved, great. She is going to talk to the kids to see how they feel, and assess PsychoMan's mental health. Anyway, I'm back in court on Wednesday for an exxtension on the non-molestation order, and wehn I go another court date will have to be set as PsychoMan is denying everything. He says I'm lying. I wish he would FOAD as I am sick of all of this already.

And then, to top it all off, H has realised what a shit her daddy is. She wants a good daddy. She says when she thinks about her daddy she wishes she was dead. She wants me to propose to Vic so she will have a good daddy . She broke her heart when he went on Monday morning. She cried again on Thursday morning. She wasn't too impressed when I told her he was going to buy a house here - she wants him to come and live here with us. I htink the hassle with her dad has a bit to do with it, but I also think he won her over by giving her a fiver (oh my kids are easily bought) and winning an Easter Egg competition for her.

And then there's the hamsters. Alex's two *male* hamsters have had babies. I have only found two of them, but I think it's a safe assumption that there were more of them at one stage. The father has been removed to the pet shop where he will be rehomed. The babies will be off to the pet shop asap too, thought the kids are wheedling to keep them. No chance!

I am off for a much needed night on the town tonight. Don't know where I am going, not even sure exactly who else is going with me, but I'm going out and getting wasted - yay!

2004-03-10T14:24:00.000Z

I haven't blogged for a while. No excuse really, but I have been playing a lot of Battlefield, and my programming has been taking an lot of the rest of the time I spend on the computer. My ex-husband has been a bastard again, I had to get new brakes and an exhaust on my car, A is skiing in Scotland and vic will be over next week.
Hmmm, succint enough? lol

Another feis

2004-03-01T14:31:00.000Z

We had to go to another feis yesterday. There is another one in 2 weeks. And another one the week after that. Last weekend there was one in Scotland, which we didn't go to, and I don't know if H will ever dry up about not being able to go to it. I seem to spend all my time ferrying my kids from one activity to another. I know that I was never so well amused as a child, and withal I can't remember being bored.

We used to play Belfast - ring the bell and run fast. I was always too chicken to ring the bell, so I kept dick for the braver ones. I stole a ball of my mums wool once, my cousin tied it to the door knocker for me so I was able to partake more fully in the fun by pulling it from the end of the driveway. Kick the can, catchie kissy, it, rounders - you name it we tried it. Sometimes we'd just hang around doing nothing - but that was far better than having to stay inside. Grounding was the mother of all punishments.

Conversely, my kids would not bat an eyelid at being grounded - I think they'd enjoy it.

I'd love to be grounded for a week too - sent to my room for a week - now, what could be more blissful. So, on 5th June, when I go to visit Vic, I will be very naughty, and will expect to get sent to bed, with no reprieve, for a week. I hope :-)

Impossible

2004-02-28T20:30:00.000Z

My head is caving in thinking about this. I have a friend (Lizard) who, in the year and a half I have known her, has always been a great friend - there on the end of the phone anytime, showing an interest in my life, and my kids lives, willing to do anything for me (even decorate my kitchen), and most importantly, she cares for me. I love her as a great mate, and I would hate to lose that friendship. I gradually lost contact with a lot of my friends over the last few years - all to do with having a psychotic ex-husband who was scary to be around, then a flirtatious boyfriend who was uncomfortable to be around if you didn't want to sleep with him, and who made it uncomfortable to be around me if you did decide to sleep with him.

But, y'see, she overstepped the friendship line one night, tried to take it too far. And, while I feel things are sorted - well, sorted in a way that I know that she knows I will never, ever go there, that I love Vic and won't do anything to hurt him (and she likes Vic too, I do believe she really wouldn't want to hurt him either), I'm not 100% convinced that she still doesn't think that maybe something might happen between us. So tonight I will tell her that even if Vic dumps me (cos let's face it, I'm hooked and I'll never ever let him go while I have any say in the matter) nothing would happen between me and her. I'm only attracted to Vic now, I can't ever imagine me with anyone else.

My problem is that earlier this week someone directed a comment towards Vic (it was a joke, I know it was a joke, it was meant in a light hearted way) which firstly hurt me, and then aroused such a jealousy in me. I trust Vic implicitly, but yet withal I felt threatened an insecure - all from some flippant comment from someone who doesn't even live in the same country as him! How stupid! How insecure! How melo-bloody-dramatic.

But now I know what it feels like. All my assurances that I can be trusted, and that as long as he can trust me it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks/says/does as long as he can trust me have just melted away like the snow in my garden. I don't want to make him feel this. I don't want to worry him. I felt it, albeit irrationally, and it is shit.

I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to lose any more friends, but most of all I don't want to give Vic even the slightest reason to worry.

I'm stressing about nothing again, I think. Reach for the Valium, it'll all work out.

No excuse

2004-02-27T10:42:00.000Z

I have no excuse for not blogging recently. I have been playing a lot of Battlefield, I have been doing slightly less programming than I have been playing Battlefield - but, even though I have been a bit busy, there's no excuse for my lack of blogginess. I haven't even been reading blogs - any online time has been squandered on other stuff. I repent, and will try to mend my ways.

Now I need to try and think of stuff to write - hmmmmmmm, my life is so quiet at the minute that I can't think of anything!

Back at uni, Monday nights are piece of piss, so easy that I feel it's not really worth my time and money to go. And let's face it, if Uhomo is going to give us the exam questions on the final revision night, it's not worth putting in an awful lot of effort along the way. Tuesday nights are better - infinitely more difficult, more often than not completely head wrecking, but I get such a sense of achievement when it all comes together in the end.

Vanessa bought me a pair of toe socks, much to Vic's disgust - but they have been great, my toes have been toasty warm. I even broke my golden rule and wore socks to bed one night - it was snowing, I was freezing, and it was lush to have my feet feeling loved. I haven't had my feet loved in a long time - the whore shoes did not arrive till after Vic had went home. However, I have been promised that next time he is here, all I need to do is wear them, lie back and enjoy - God I can't wait!

2004-02-17T00:35:00.000Z

Can't believe I only told half the limousine story. The big flash limo that arrived on Valentine's Day (the one that wasn't for me) was for a lady who lives down the road. She was getting married ------- to her ex-husband's twin brother!!!!! Hah, sounded like a Trisha show to me

2004-02-17T00:33:00.000Z

Things are different this time.

Usually when Vic goes home I feel so lost and alone; maybe things are different this time because I bought Battlefield and so I get to play with Vic every night ;-)

Usually when Vic goes home the bed feels too big; maybe things are different this time because he was only here for a weekend, not long enough to get used to him being here.

Usually when Vic goes home I start crying at the airport and can't stop; maybe things are different this time because I started crying as soon as I got into the car and had to stop crying before I collected the kids from my mum.

Usually when Vic goes home I find it really hard to get to sleep at night because I miss him at night more than any other time; maybe this time things are different because Nikki was here so I couldn't give in to my insecurities as easily.

Usually when Vic goes home I refuse to believe he will come back - surely this time he has seen something which will scare him away; maybe things are different this time because I really do believe that he loves me.

I don't deserve to be loved like this, but I'm going to enjoy every minute of it from now on.

Valentine's Day

2004-02-14T22:49:00.000Z

H woke me up with her screams of delight - her and A had got two cards each through the post and she was over the moon. Mother and I obviously didn't confer this year, but sure as long as the kids were happy. H had made me two cards, and A had made me 1, so, in total, I had 4 cards, all hand made with love :-)

I went back to bed, and was woken up again about two hours later. The dog was going mental because there was a strange car parked outside the door. I looked out - and wow, a limousine all trimmed with ribbon. "Number 2??" asked the chauffeur. I must be dreaming, or was the man of my dreams (Vic, in case y'all didn't know) inside the car, waiting on one knee with the ring of my dreams in his pocket?? "W--------????" Erm no, that's number ----- you big fucker, thanks for nothing. Pah, I nearly fell for the whole romance thing too.

Played a bit more Battlefield, it's growing on me. I don't like playing online though, I'm too shit at it yet and right now I'm too hormonal to have grumpy buggers shouting at me (ok, well he typed it, didn't actually shout in my earhole, but still - just wait till I'm on an opposing team to you ye bastard, yer card's marked. Well, it would be if I could remember your name. Colonel Mug something or the other I think. Ah well, it'll come back to me)

Talking about hormonal, I did the whole periods talk thing last night. It was great, A mentioned they would be watching a film about puberty in school, H asked what puberty was and I managed to get a proper discussion going, with (surprisingly) no embarrassment from A about sweaty feet, hairy chests and willies, girls getting boobs and having periods. H then asked about Tampax, so I went for it. She has decided to use sanitary towels as nothing is ever going in her vagina, how yukky would that be?? God, I hope she keeps that attitude till she is 21. Now I just need to do the whole wet dreams and babies thing. Last night would have been a great time, but as soon as we got home they jumped out of the car and off to play with their hamsters. I didn't want to make a big deal of it by calling them into the living room, so I'll leave it for now. I'm sure the opportunity will present itself sometime soon.

Daily blogs

2004-02-13T12:24:00.000Z

Hmmmmm, back to blogging on a daily basis - what further indication is needed to show that all my friends have deserted me, and also that my course has resumed and I have a pile of coursework to get on with. One course is so hard that I am glad of any distraction, and the other one is so insultingly simple (I am currently doing a labwork report on how to access a website using IE and how to organise my favourites) that I need to otherwise amuse myself or I will fall asleep.

I have bought 2 computer games over the last couple of weeks, all of which are proving fantastically distracting (some more than others).

Ghost Master is a good laugh, scaring the crap out off all American sorority girls and frat boys - yee hah! Space Colony is rapidly becoming my favourite waste of time, it's kind of like the Sims only with aliens and spaceships. But, the last game Battlefield 1942 was bough as a concession to my boyfriend. When he suggested we should do more things together, I really didn't think he meant play wargames (although after some of the other games he has suggested we play, I should no longer be surprised). Anyway, it's maybe not going to be as bad as I had originally thought, it's just a game of skill and it requires though, so I'll need to practice.

I got my Valentine's card today, and I couldn't wait until tomorrow to open it - I'm just way too impatient! I had asked Vic to make me a card cos he is so good with his hands (fnarr fnarr) and wow, I wasn't disappointed! It is beautiful, and it means so much to me knowing hat he has put so much time and effort into it. And it more than compensates for his buying me a 15p book that smelt of an oul grannys knickers, and then not giving it to me because I complained. Anyway, ta love :-)

Apologies

2004-02-11T22:29:00.000Z

Sorry, sorry, sorry for neglecting my blog. But, I do have a reason - or maybe it's just an excuse. Briar has been staying with me for the last week and a half, my beloved came to stay with me from Friday till Monday; Dee stayed from Saturday till Monday; and yidaho and Vanessa stayed on Saturday night.

The big, big news is that my darling son A passed his 11+, and is now practically guaranteed a place in B.R.A., an d purely by virtue of his already being in attendance of that school, H's chances of getting in are greatly improved- yay!!

It was great having Vic here for the weekend, even though in my drunken protest at his slagging off us Irish I unintentionally nearly murdered him by thumping him in the head (I thought if I put my hand there and hit my hand instead of hitting his head directly it wouldn't hurt, but I was wrong) - sorry Vic, I love you really - it was brill to see him again. Unfortunately I didn't get the opportunity to hide his passport and thus prevent him from leaving me. Again. But, if he is to pass his course I must shut up moaning. Now he's gone I miss him so much I feel like my heart is dropping out through the soles of my feet :-( I bought him a mini tool kit which he wasn't allowed to take on the plane back with him, and a Hot Lips Thong which he modeled for me - I have good memories of the weekend

On Saturday night we went to bingo armed with bingo dabbers and carryouts. Vic was 100% dedicated to his playing, Briar was disgusted at the drunken antics of the other table so much that she moved away from them, and someone ( I think it may have been Dee) said "Take me out and shoot me." Not always an advisable thing so say in such close proximity to the Shankhill Road.......

The off to Pizza Hut for dinner. Bad, bad idea. It was staff by YTP people, and was non smoking. The food and service was shit. To all who were there - I apologise profusely.

Then to the Kremlin. Or not. They decided that Vanessa's trousers were track suit bottoms - they weren't - and if we were going to get turned away from one club, we were going to get turned away from them all. Back home, through the snow, to my house where Vic amused me greatly with the karaoke mic which seemed to have become superglued to his hand. I apologise, once again, to anyone who had to listen to me bubbling shite for the duration of the evening.

I enjoyed myself anyway, so please come back all of you.
Vic, you bloody well better come back!!!!
Soon!!!!!!

2004-01-30T16:57:00.000Z

At last, the kitchen is finished. When I get it all cleaned I'll take a few pics. I am so physically drained, it's been bloody hard work getting it done.

Briar is on her way over to Ireland tonight, I can't remember how long she is staying for, but it's almost two weeks. It'll be great seeing her again, and then next week it's the free.uk.tv.bigbrother meet - yay!! And Vic will be here next week too - life seems to be on the up :-)

A, H and I went to view another school on Wednesday night. Unfortunately it was fairly unimpressive, with both staff and students seeming fairly disinterested - although their A level pass rates seemed quite good. Only one more week till the results come out- and it can't come quick enough fro me. A doesn't seem to be worried at all, and I'm trying to pretend that I'm not - I'm a shite actress

Shoes

2004-01-27T14:28:00.000Z

Vic has a thing about shoes. Well, not just shoes, ladies shoes. And not for him, I hasten to add! When he told me he liked really good shoes on women I thought oh happy days, I'm going to buy some really pretty shoes, he'll like those. But oh no, how wrong could I have been? He likes what he calls "whore shoes". Perspex platform soles and perspex heels. We found a pair he liked in Schuh, but look at the price!! For shoes just to wear in bed? No way!

I found these on e-bay - but second hand shoes? Somehow second hand shoes seem just too icky, whether or not they have ever been worn outside.

For Vic

2004-01-26T23:42:00.000Z

I miss you being here with me, I am so empty without you.
I think about you all the time, I am too lonely without you.
I need you in my bed at night, the nights are too long and dark when you are not here.
I need you to talk to, nobody else stimulates me the way you do.
I need you to hold, nobody else makes me feel as secure and loved as you do.
I can't imagine living the next two years of my life like this, perpetually waiting for you. But if I must, I will, because I love you.

Saturday night feeling!

2004-01-24T17:59:00.000Z

I love a Saturday night out. The thought of it sustains me throughout a mind numbingly boring day at work. Today was arse numbingly boring too, the shop was dead. My ex hubby was meant to take the kids for the afternoon, but then changed his mind because I wouldn't give him a fiver - he still owes me Â£200 from last summer. That meant I had to take the kids to work with me, and then my mum took them to her house for the afternoon which meant I was in the shop alone. Still, I managed to finish reading my book - The Memory Game, Nicci French. It was an excellent read, perhaps not her best book but stilll an intriguing read.

Anyway, now I'm home, no kids in the house, water heating up for a bath, water freezing for my gin, music blaring out of the computer (there is serious role -reversal in my house, my kids complain about my music and ask me to turn it down!). I want to go out and dance all night long.

I love lying in the bath, thinking about what I'll wear, is it washed/ironed, wondering who will be there, what the craic will be. The way I feel tonight the craic will be 90 regardless. Anyone on MSN at about 4am beware!

Sanity is restored

2004-01-21T15:56:00.000Z

I only got about 2 hours sleep last night - I remember looking at my watch and it was almost 5.30, and then my alarm went off at 7.45. I had to drag myself out of bed. When I opened my eyes my eyelids were so swollen that I could see them drooping down into my line of vision. But thankfully last night had the desired cathartic effect, and I am normal, once again :-).

Can't sleep

2004-01-21T01:52:00.000Z

I can't sleep now. I think it's because I've laid myself bare in a way I never have done before. I've thought about removing the last entry on my blog- but why? It'll not change anything. Since I sat down and started typing about 4 hours ago my eyes have been constantly streaming tears. I am not crying, but I can't stop these tears from falling. I think when I lift a cover of the sadness it has to just keep coming out, the tears have to keep coming and relieving the pressure of it all so it gets to a containable level again. So I can get that lid back on it again.
I have been told by some people that I am the most together person they know. They don't know me at all. Nobody does. I have to keep such a tight rein on my emotions. But since last year it's all been coming apart. I sometimes feel I'm coming apart. I know I'm stronger than this. Just not tonight.
I need a hug tonight. I don't want to be alone tonight. I need to sleep, but the valium aren't helping tonight. I don't want to be like this forever. I know I'll be fine tomorrow, but at times like this I feel so much like I'm on the edge of insanity.

To the men in my life

2004-01-20T22:44:00.000Z

I don't know why I'm posting this, these are not people I can talk about without crying. I'm crying typing this. It all builds up every now and again until I have a good cry and get it all out of my system. This is one of those times.

My father
You created me. That's all you did for me. You walked away when I was 20 months old. You taught me that men can't be trusted, they walk away.

Granda
I thank God for you, for you loved me. Really loved me. You walked up to our house after work to put me to bed at night. You gave me my pocket money and let me sit on your knee and eat off your plate. You paid me to trim the hairs that grew in your ears. You took me for walks on the Cave Hill and convinced me that Red Indians were in hiding, and we, the last of the cowboys had to dodge their arrows. You were the only man to love and respect me until I met Vic. You've been dead nearly 6 years, and just thinking about you is enough to make me ache for you again. I love you Granda. You taught me how to love.

S.C.
You were entrusted with looking after my brother and I. You repaid this by sneaking into my room with your brother and groping me when I was sleeping. When the initial fright wore off and I felt I could stir without getting murdered (I was only 8) you at least left the room. Your brother didn't. You taught me shame.

M.C.
From I was 8 until I was 14 you raped me at least twice a week while my mother was at work. Initially you were our babysitter, but then you used any excuse to get to the house, and me, while my mum was at work. I tried to be good, tried to please, to do al the things you wanted - not because I enjoyed any of it, but because I knew it was wrong, and I was so scared. Then when I realised this didn't have to happen any more you taunted me, made me feel as if I had asked for it by letting it go on for so long. I don't know how many years older than me you are, possibly only 5 or 6. I hate you. You taught me self-disgust, self-loathing and reinforced in me that when things go wrong I should keep it all to myself.

D.M.
My first boyfriend, I latched onto you hoping you would provide for me what I never had. I almost fooled myself into believing that you could too. For 8 years we were together, until I realised I loved you not as a lover, but as a brother. Sex with you disgusted me, and I knew that wasn't right. You tried to be right for me and I tried to be right for you, I'm so sorry I hurt you. You taught me that I am worth more. Thank you.

C.B.
You needed me. The first person to ever truly need me, and oh it felt good. Until it felt oppressive. Until I realised that being needed by a mentally ill selfish bully was never going to be anywhere near good enough. Never had been. When things went wrong, they went really wrong. You taught me that love won't work if it is based on pity.

D.L.
D, the first man I ever loved, really loved with a passion that consumed me. I would have done anything for you. And I did. Because sex meant nothing to me, I did whatever with whoever to please you. You didn't love me. You finished with me by telling me you didn't love me, never had and never would. You destroyed me - I was broken and had to rebuild. I strengthened myself through you. You taught me that sex does have a value, it's not to be thrown away. You taught me that I can't buy affections.

A.S.
I fell for you, head over heels, in way that I liken to a schoolgirl crush. Ok for a schoolgirl, not a 33 year old. I thought about you constantly. You were safe, reliable, predictable. You were wealthy, generous and kind. You were also utterly unattainable. You only want me now I don't want you. You were lucky, you met the new me, the real me that I had buried under years of detritus. The one that got away. You taught me all I ever wanted to know, and more, about databases :-)

C.B.
We met, and got drunk, and lusted after each other in a way that only the very drunk can. We did get intimate, but we didn't have sex. You surprised me the next day. I looked like shit. You didn't care. You showed an interest in me, in my family. You came back to me. I fell in love, and fell hard. Thank God you did too. You value me. You listen to me. I can be myself with you. You know the bits of me I try to hide from everyone else, and still you love me. I need you, I love you, I miss you. Thank you

Webcam fun

2004-01-20T13:25:00.000Z

Ok, now I know that Vic got me a webcam for Christmas as a present for himself, the perv. Anyway, I insisted that if he got to shamelessly perv on me, I get the opportunity to do the same in return, and I forced him to go buy a webcam. I never thought this type of dirtiness could be so much fun!

Hard bloody work

2004-01-19T22:04:00.000Z

Now I see the benefits of paying a man who can - this kitchen has me killed. Prising off old tiles, painting, painting painting till I'm panting. Then Lizard started coming down with a cold, and by the time she was going she sounded like she was dying. Anyway, I can get on with the grouting tomorrow if she doesn't turn up. I'm impressing myself with my whole sounding like a right Handy Andy here.

The lady who lives opposite me is so nosy she walked halfway up the street (it's a cul-de-sac up there, she walked up one side of the road and then down the other) so she could get a good nosy at what was going on in my kitchen. Id loved to have had the nerve to openly ask her if she wanted to come in to get a better look. Nosy cow.

Shamelessly copied from an e-mail

2004-01-18T15:20:00.000Z

DELIA SMITH COOKING TIPS

Delia's Way 1
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice cream drips.

The Real Women's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone,for God's sake.
You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Delia's Way 2
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes.

The Real Women's Way
Buy Smash mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a
year.

Delia's Way 3
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use bit of the
dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside
of the cake.

The Real Women's Way
Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

Delia's Way 4
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop
in a potato slice.

The Real Women's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough luck.
Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will
eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Delia's Way 5
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it
will keep for weeks.

The Real Women's Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?

I WILL start today....

2004-01-18T13:24:00.000Z

No decorating at all got done yesterday. Lizard had to take her son to rugby, and then pick him up again afterwards and take him to his girlfriends house, which meant it was after 7 by the time she was done. And by the time she got here it would have been after 8 (yummy, I love after eights). Anyway, at that time of night I just want to sit on my arse and watch tv - a habit I've gotten into very easily since my shoulder got sore (it's much better today, thanks for asking).

So, today, definitely, honest to goodness, promise to me, I will get at least the glosswork done in the kitchen, whether or not Lizard can come to get the tiling started.

I'm finding myself spending to much time thinking about Vic and how much I miss him - it's almost as if I'm trying to talk myself into depression. So, from today, self-pity stops. No more. But it's like being on a diet - can't eat nice stuff? Just dream, and salivate, and fantasise about it all day instead. Can't have nice boyfriend? Just dream, and salivate, and fantasise about him all day instead. Two years till his course finishes. That's a long, long, long time. Three weeks till I see him again feels like an eternity right now, so two years. So much for my resolution to always be happy on my own, to be more secure and content in my own company, so that if I ever did meet anyone I wouldn't depend on them for happiness. Pah, that all went up in a puff of smoke, didn't it?

Return of the comment

2004-01-17T11:49:00.000Z

I got an e-mail this morning saying that Blogspeak was no longer operational - hey Tess, it might have been an idea to check that out instead of just moaning about no comments being available.
Anyway, up and running again, which is nice.

Now I'm just waiting for my dirty stop out boyfriend to get in touch to let me know he has returned home. Only 3 weeks to the Belfast meet whhheeeeeeeeeee!

Must go clean my kitchen before I start painting.

Comments?

2004-01-16T14:07:00.000Z

Where have they gone? I can't see them anywhere!

I have bought all my paint and tiles, ordered my fridge freezer and now I'm ready to get tore in to decorating my kitchen. Only problem is my shoulder is too bloody sore to get started. I need to rip off all the old tiles before tomorrow, because my friend is coming round to start putting the new ones on tomorrow. Hopefully my electrical stuff won't arrive until the painting is all done, and hopefully it will all be done before all the FUKTVBB'ers turn up!!

New school for A

2004-01-14T23:35:00.000Z

Now the 11+ results are nearly out, it is time for us to select the schools we want A to apply to. I can't believe the schools have open nights now, surely it would be better for the open night to be after the results have been published, then kids wouldn't be going to view grammar schools, getting their hopes up and then not getting a good enough grade to get accepted. Tonight we went to Belfast Royal Academy unfortunately know by the acronym BRA. Anyway, now A has his heart set on attending this school, and I am dreading the results coming out in case he hasn't done as well as the school predicted he would. By all means it appears to be a fantastic school, and just because I was horrendously bullied to the extent where I had to leave the school because the school was unable to deter the bullies wouldn't put me off in the slightest - after all , there are bullies everywhere.

What did put me off was looking at my big son suddenly becoming tiny, going from being one of the tallest and eldest in the school to one of the smallest and youngest. His current school has almost 300 pupils, this one has 1100 more. And gone will be the days when I am useful for homework help.

It's true what they say, when our babies are young we can't wait for them to walk, not realising that every step they take is a step away from us. Thank God I started taking the anti-depressants again, cos my babies are growing up and I can't stop them.

Pinata

2004-01-13T00:12:00.000Z

I think my most embarrassing moment of last year (and it wasn't even my embarrassment, it was my mums but I felt it whilst she, in her naivete, didn't) was at a Hallowe'en party - not for adults, but for kids. Ok, start at the start.....
A's friend Rebecca invited him and H to her house for a Hallowe'en party. As the family had recently moved to an area I'm not at all familiar with, my mum said she would take us up. Rebecca's mum invited us in to save us driving home and then coming back again.

Well, it was like the PTA inner sanctum. And me, I'm no t a member of the PTA as their meetings are at night, kids aren't welcome, and I'm buggered if I'm paying a babysitter to mind the kids while I go to that boring shit. Anyway, cut a long story short Tess, shut up and get on....

The kids went out the back to hit the pinata which had been tied to a branch. My mum said "OOooh, I wouldn't mind watching them bashing the punani....." and off she went to watch, totally oblivious!

Don't know why

2004-01-11T15:13:00.000Z

But I can't see my blog at all. I have tried it for a few days now, and there is nothing coming up on my screen at all. If anyone has any clues as to why this is happening (assuming of course you can read this) can you please mail me at (e-mail addy removed, thank you so much Yidaho and her other half for hours of help last night) with an idea of how I can rectify this? Cheers.

Ok, (I am working on the assumption that someone, somewhere can read this), some good news. Last night, when I was very, very drunk and probably very, very irritating, I managed to extract a promise of the most romantic Valentines Day ever from Vic - yay! I was out with Lizard last night, and I told her that I love her, but only as a friend, as nothing else and that I am committed to the relationship I am currently in, and don't want to jeopardise it at all. So now she is back on form as my guardian :-D

My mum must have won the lottery or something, she is paying her mortgage off tomorrow, and she bought the us a new computer on Friday. It's lovely Packard Bell iMedia 5009, and then to set it off she also bought a gorgeous TFT monitor, new desk and chair. I love my mummy. Now it's time to phone my insurance company to see if I am covered for accidental damage to laptops......

Still itching

2004-01-07T21:46:00.000Z

I'm still squirming and itching, so I give up on the yogurt. Tomorrow I'm off to the chemist for some comfort. And deoderant.

My boyfriend is getting increasingly huffy. Lack of sex? Sleep? Food? Who knows. Not me anyway. I made the mistake of saying I still love him when he is huffy. I had to point out to him that while I said I still love him, it doesn't mean that I particularly like him!

Effing revision

2004-01-06T20:42:00.000Z

Ok, it's bad enough having to sit through the lecture fist time round, then get home and re-read the notes the next day while supplementing them, and then read through them in preparation for assignments, but FFS it is just plain cruelty to give us an exam that requires going back to them so soon after Christmas. Here was I feeling all smug because lectures don't recommence until February, but I'd go to 20 lectures sooner than sit this bloody exam. Anyway, I suppose once it's out of the way it's one half of my years study with Uhomo over, and that's certainly something to smile about.

Smiling - not so easy when your boyfriend lives in a different country and only seems to wake up when it's my bedtime. At least the kids are back to school again which gives me a bit of peace during the day, time to tidy up, revise, snooze, watch shite on tv, snooze some more - aw hell, I think I was better off when they were at home all day! Second day back at school for them and I slept through the alarm already. I had to dress H, she ate a ham sandwich in the back of the car while brushing her hair, A ate a bread roll and thanked God his hair is sufficiently short not to need brushed. I need to get more organised.

WeightWatchers was this morning, but I didn't go. Maybe next week. It's bloody expensive to pay for when I know there are still to many Christmas yummy things in the house for me to be bloody minded and deadly serious about getting thin. I hate my body, but not enough to do anything about it - now, how odd is that?

Shattered

2004-01-05T23:02:00.000Z

I am loving Shattered so much. It is really making me laugh - just how sadistic can the producers of this program get? No sleep, a kids birthday party, and now electrified door handles. It'll be so funny if the prize fund has dropped to 2k by the end of it all.

The kids were shattered this morning, they couldn't get up for school at all. We just about made it in time, poor H says she was dozing off during history - I used to do that all the time, even when I wasn't sleepy.

The lovely nylon Chinky pyjamas my mum got me for Christmas, combined with my laziness (wearing them to bed one night, then not getting dressed the next day, then wearing them to bed the following night again) has given me thrush. Yuk. I am trying to combat it with tampons dipped in natural yogurt. (Pronounced Yo-Gurt). If you come to visit me, help yourself to anything but not my yogurt. You wouldn't want it anyway.

Early to bed, school in the morning

2004-01-04T19:42:00.000Z

Ah well, that's the Christmas holidays over now. Kids are all bathed and H is in bed (hopefully the new quiet hamster wheels we bought will enable her to sleep in her won room tonight) A is tidying his room - I thank God for whatever brain seizure has led to my son suddenly developing a pride in his bedroom, hope I get it next. Uniforms are all neatly ironed, waiting for back to school - woohoo!!

A went to stay at his friends house on Friday night, and I got a phone call from his friends mother yesterday telling what a delight A is, how well mannered, well behaved and quiet he is, and would it be possible for him to stay over for one more night. When I got over the fright that she had lost A and replaced him with a lookalike, I was more than happy! He was brought home at 6.30, into the bath and then bed - great.

H was at her friends house on Friday, but was brought home quite late on to go to bed. She too appears to be a credit to me, with that family coming for her last night again to take her to the cinema and McDonalds. She bought a castle maze thing for the hamsters today, so her day has been spent playing with them. I don't know what I am doing wrong when my kids are so well behaved for everyone for me, but at least now I know they are capable of acting as if they are well brought up kids.

I'm looking forward to the kids going back to school. H's incessant talking has my head sore. I have been playing board games galore since Christmas, so school will be a break form those too. Only problem is I have an exam next week. I am being organised in my revising, and am really, really concentrating on not getting overly stressed about it.

CNPS is doing my head in, I am stuck on 19.

Trying to decide whether to start WeightWatchers again on Tuesday. Maybe I should wait until all the goodies in the house have been consumed so I won't be tempted. That sounds like an idea.....Toblerone, here I come

2004-01-02T20:15:00.000Z

I started to dismantle the Christmas tree today, and then changed my mind. I don't want Christmas to be over, I don't want things to return to normal. But next week the kids are back to school, I need to really get my nose into some books to revise for the exams - I feel the stress building up just thinking about it all. I am trying not to put myself under so much pressure this term, though that is easier said than done. But anyway, still a few days of laziness left to enjoy.

The dog, the gecko and both hamsters are all doing well. The dog is fascinated with the hamsters, though he shows no sign of wanting to eat either but I am not going to risk it. He has no interest in the gecko but he constantly tries to eat the crickets, and if he can't get them he eats the powder that they are dusted with. Pets are great, I could get my kids in a cage, feed and water them once a day and exercise them for 15 minutes - then bliss! Peace and quiet. Ah well, I can dream.......

Good elf

2004-01-01T19:00:00.000Z

Happy new year - and apologies to anyone I inflicted my drunkenness on last night on msn at sometime after 3am ish, I think.

Resolutions this year are GOOD and ELF. Get Out Of Debt, and Eat Less Food. Though of course ELF can't start until all the Christmas goodies have been devoured. So I can start ELF asap I need to stuff my face with yummy stuff at every available opportunity. So tonights feast will be half a crunchball Terry's chocolate orange washed down with a bottle of wine.

Puff has had his name changed to Cuddles, and both he and Fudge are the best of mates. They have wee play fights every now and then, but no biting is involved, they just roll over each other and do their male wrestling thing, thankfully with no squeaking so I know nobody is getting hurt. I'm amazed H and her friend didn't get bitten today. They were playing in H's room, I went in to see what was going on and they had both hamsters in the Bratz car and were pushing it round H's room. I pointed out that this was unfair, but was told the hamsters were enjoying it, and they were only going slow anyway. Hmmmmm, I can see hamsters being moved to my room for safe keeping. Saying that, they do seem to love being lifted - when H goes to their cage they jump up and as soon as she puts her hand in they are on it. Cutie pies.

I have enjoyed being a lazy minger today. Got up at about 10.30, and didn't get washed. I'm still not dressed. If tv is shit tonight I will get a bath. But sure there is nobody of account within smelling or licking distance of me :-)

Fudge and Puff????

2003-12-31T13:29:00.000Z

We were at the pet shop doors for 9.30am to ensure that we could get a hamster that was from the same litter as Fudge. Even so we were warned that as they had been separated for a night, Fudge might attack the new one as he had been in the cage all night by himself and might be territorial. I was absolutely shaking when we put them in together, and every time they went near each other I sent the kids out of the room in case a full scale attack was launched - and I didn't want my little darlings to be scared. I mean, it was one thing to stare at one rodent dead in a mouse trap, but when it's a rodent that you intend to keep, it's different.

The new one is a lot fatter than the other one, which in my illogical reasoning was a good idea - maybe the little one won't attack it's Michelin Man brother? Anyway, apart from a few wee squabbles at first (which stopped when I clicked my fingers) they are now getting on like a house on fire, all snuggled up in bed together - awwwwwww!

H, however, has decided to embarrass me further by calling the other hamster Puff. FFS, Fudge and Puff? I'll never be able to hold my head up in The Kremlin again.

Gonna get another baby!

2003-12-30T23:14:00.000Z

I didn't think one hamster breed would be that different from another, and I honestly thought I knew it all about hamsters - after all. I had a spectacularly vicious one about 10 years ago (even as a bay it refused to be handled, and by the time it had reached adulthood it would bite and lock onto fingers, I still have a scar on my baby finger on my left hand). Anyway, I feel incredibly guilty now cos after reading a load of websites about Russian hamsters, it transpires that they prefer to be kept in pairs. So, looks like tomorrow we will be off in search of a brother for Fudge. No Vic, we will not call the next one packer, sorry about that.

We got a new baby

2003-12-30T22:11:00.000Z

Ever since A got his leopard gecko H has been driving me mad bleating on about wanting a pet of her own. Despite my magnanimously "giving" her the family dog, she still wasn't content. So, today, I gave in. I bought her a Russian hamster. I bought the hamster, bedding, food, toys etc, and she spent her Christmas money on its' cage. She loves the wee bugger (Fudge) already - despite the fact that he has "nibbled" her fingers several times already. I am now terrified of it, I hope it doesn't take too long to get used to being handled as I know in two weeks it will be me who has to clean and feed the thing. Vic (bad daddy lol) is very much unimpressed.

A's friend came to stay last night, and is still here. He has to go home in the morning - thank God!! At 2.30 am the noise from 2 over-tied 12 year olds, the GameCube and the computer was more than I could handle. Subsequently I slept rather later than usual this morning. Bloody dog was barking at an unearthly hour, so I yelled at him to shout the fuck up. Of course, it wasn't an unearthly hour at all, it was just that I was knackered after my late night the night before with the kids, and the dog wasn't barking at nothing, he was protesting at my making him wait so long to pee. So, when I yelled at him, he was bursting to go. And burst he did - all over my bloody carpet. So that was nice to wake up to.

I am determined to pay as much off my credit cards as I can in the coming year. In preparation, they have been removed from my purse so that they can't ever be used for spur of the moment purchases. Sometimes I worry so much about money I can't sleep, and I get bloody awful persistent heartburn. Worrying won't sort it, only having a bloody miserable year spending nowt will do it. So roll on a miserable 2004 :-(

I feel so bloody weepy now that Vic has gone home. Probably not helped by my having stopped taking the anti-depressants while he was here - I should really start on them again. I didn't take them because they make me fall fast asleep within an hour of taking them, and I am still mongified until lunchtime the following day - hardly conducive to sustaining a love interest, eh?

I could sleep right now, maybe if I can get these pesky kids off to bed I could get an early night - lovely! Night all

As usual

2003-12-29T15:19:00.000Z

Vic has gone home, and I'm missing him incredibly. I'm running round like a blue arsed fly picking up crap that lazy kids have left lying at their arses - as usual.

The kids are bored (they both have stuff in their rooms that they haven't even taken out of the boxes yet). My house is over-run with kids, like an infestation of pests- as usual.

The cheeky wee bastard that lives down the road, Emmett, has got bored with his petrol scooter (either that or it has been taken off him already) and is now back to kicking his ball at my fence and neighbours hedges, only disappearing when he causes some damage - as usual.

The dog is the only happy one - running round like a mong. Awwwwww, how cute he is - as usual.

And Mervyn (scorpion) and Christine(Internet Susie) Wright are at it again, smashing yet another forum - as usual.

Ah well, nice to know some things will never change.

Christmas, at last

2003-12-25T22:18:00.000Z

Sorry I haven't been updating regularly recently - Vic is too demanding!!! No, but really, every minute I'm not with the kids I've been with him.

Not much has happened really, so I'll just tell you all about today. Well, I can't start today without a bit about last night. I forgot just how much I had bought the kids, but I was happy to be surprised. I was up quite late putting stuff out, and then, as is tradition with us, I jumped into my bed were the kids were already tucked up and fast asleep. Vic was not impressed - but, as I tactfully told him, tough, they're my kids! So, my mum climbed up into H's cabin bed, and Vic went into A's room, where he was to sleep - alone, poor him (not) - on the bottom bunk.

The kids were out like lights, I was so excited I couldn't sleep. By 7am I had enough tossing and turning, and woke them up. We went and woke my mum, and then into the living room where the kids were gobsmacked, which was brill. My mum had been unable to find some stuff which I was convinced I had bought, but there was still plenty there for them.

At about 9am the kids wanted their tv's put into their bedrooms, so I went in to waken Vic, give him a bit of advance notice before A arrived in his room with his GameCube. And were was Vic??? Curled up (oh yes, curled right round in a circle, like a lanky big 6'3" cumberland sausage), on the bottom bunk, fully clothed and with no blanket, nothing to keep him warm except for his jacket. I woke him, slightly bemused, and also slightly concerned that the would be dead from hypothermia. Because I had put no duvet, no blanket on the bottom bunk, he had decided, for reasons known only to himself, not to take the duvet and blankets all neatly folded on the top bunk, but to use his jacket instead. Odd? I think so. He tried to make me feel sorry for him, but oh no, no sympathy from me, did he come in and tell me he had no blankets? No. Did he take the available blankets/duvets, fecking sleeping bags that were in the room? No. Did he close the bloody window that was allowing a force 9 gale to blow through the house? No. I laughed. And laughed, and laughed some more, then felt a bit sorry for him, gave him a blanket and a cuppa, all whilst telling him what a muppet he is.

By this stage the house was trashed with toys everywhere, happy kids and happy mum and granny, and cold Vic lol. Mum went to her house to cook dinner, I trailed Vic into the living room so I could open my pressies. I got a webcam so he can perv on me. In fact, I think I said you dirty bastard before I said thank you. I also got a Scrabble book and 4 rather large Toblerone bars.

Over to mums for dinner where I was spoiled with loads of delish food and loads of pyjamas and socks, a coat and a microwave and Â£100 tobuyy myself some clothes with - yay!!

Now we're back home, I'm ever so slightly tipsy, H is in bed watching Mary Kate and Ashley Olson (Bleurgh), and A and Vic are playing the GameCube. This is the first peace I have had in a week and ahalf - ahhhh, bliss!

Happy Christmas

I've been busy

2003-12-17T22:13:00.000Z

Monday
Ok, Monday was a bit of a nightmare. After having reversed into a Merc last Sunday (and the man never phoned me to tell me how much I owed him for repairs, woohoo) I had two very very close calls today. the second resulted in me almost launching into a full scale panic attack. I embarrassed myself greatly in front of Vic as I was totally unable to get myself under control. I cried until my eyes, lips a nose were all red and puffy, snot was streaming as freely as the tears. I then had to go into uni and give my bit of a group presentation. People kept asking if I was ok (obviously I must have looked like utter shit) and the more people showed concern, the harder I found it to hold the tears back.. I managed not to humiliate myself completely, but it was bloody hard. Odd how I can cope with people being nasty towards me, but all my vulnerabilities come tumbling out as soon as someone shows compassion.
The presentation was okay-ish, apart from me freezing ("Don't worry, you only froze for 7 seconds" Fuck me blind, 7? That is shit) mid sentence, and then forgetting what software is in a standard office suite. Anyway, I'm not going to beat myself up over that. Not too much anyway.

Tuesday
Tuesday was definitely better than Monday.
I went to my lecture slightly later than I had planned - A suddenly remembered he had to finish off a project he is supposed to have been doing in school for the last 3 weeks. I am never late for lectures, so I was a wee tiny bit stressed about going in late, but anyway.....Vic accompanied me to my lecture and made me feel thick as fuck afterwards by commenting on how easy it all was. I am not clever, I need to work at stuff - but I know I can't be that stupid, after all, I got 100% in the last tow assignments. Just wish I could stop feeling so inferior all the time.
After the lecture we went to the cinema to see Love Actually. It was great. A real soppy film that is just ideal to go to see with someone special :) It made me laugh, which was great. There were times when I was aware that I was the only person in the whole cinema laughing - but I didn't care. When I got out some nice person had scraped my car along two doors, and, not convinced they had done enough damage the first time, went back and did it all over again. Bastard.
Got home and got some lovely pizza from the Domino's that has just opened.

Wednesday
The school nativity was today. While none of my kids had starring roles this year, it was still immensely enjoyable. The wee kiddies were so cute.
Then we trawled the charity shops looking for good books, but I didn't buy any. Vic, however, bought his sisters Christmas present from the second hand shop. I was suitably appalled.
Lizard called round for half an hour. Vic managed to be civil, and didn't hit her once, which was brill. As I type Vic is thrashing me at Scrabble, H is sleeping and A is tidying his room in preparation for Santa coming. Today has been better

2003-12-15T13:22:00.000Z

Vic came over on Saturday evening - and it's great having him here. I've thrashed him at Scrabble several times already, we've finished all our Christmas shopping, and it's fantastic just having him here with me. Apart from when he went to church with me yesterday, and 3 times insisted on rolling a cigarette in church, once while the pastor had came up to talk to me afterwards. That was awful, though he really doesn't see why I found it so embarrassing. It felt so disrespectful. And then he was slagging off my friends from church, asking if I was sure they didn't have hunchback problems etc. He knew I was going to church, he could have stayed at home, I didn't force him to go; so I really can't understand why he felt it necessary to express his disapproval like that. I wont' be asking him if he wants to come next Sunday, which is a shame because it's the kids Christmas play and then that evening there will be a candle lit carol service. His loss entirely.

Dilemma's dad, for some unknown reason, has decided to let her come back to stay with FruitLoops for 4 days over Christmas, so I'm going to try to have her here as much as possible in those 4 days. It's going to be awkward getting Dilemma here without having to bring FruitLoops round too, but I need to think of some way to do it. My kids dislike FruitLoops intensely, Vic detests her and I feel awful, but I too and beginning to despise her. I don't want her coming here and being minging in my house, ruining my family's Christmas. Every time I see her now I worry that she will shit or piss herself - if we're out anywhere it's embarrassing; if we are here it is disgusting. Worse still that there is no medical reason for it, it's a whole attention seeking thing. Well, she is getting none of my attention, that's for sure!

I have been taking the anti-depressants for almost two weeks now, and I can feel a real difference. No more highs and lows, I have settled into a boring feeling of sameness day after day - but this is probably how it is meant to be.

Voluntary work

2003-12-11T16:27:00.000Z

Having realised that there is no point doing a degree without intending to have some type of paid employ at the end of it all, I took a long, hard look at my C.V. Well, to be more accurate, a short, hard look. It's practically non-existent. Since having my kids I have held a variety of stupid jobs that I don't want on my C.V. - you know, the type of job that fits around the family, part-time crap like postie, cinema usherette, telesales, and working in my mum's shop. A decent job is needed on there somewhere, so I can omit all the crappy stuff and not look totally lazy. So I applied for a voluntary position, working for a benevolent fund.

I went for my first training day today, and I had a good time. Yes, I know, I was shocked too - I actually enjoyed myself!! It sounds like it will be an interesting job, my minimum commitment is only one day a month, and I'll get 40p per mile for travel expenses. I'll be doing something which will impact in a big way on people's lives - I'll be making a positive contribution to society, yay!!

Of course today, no such contribution was forthcoming. In return for sitting through 4 hours worth of presentations interspersed with team building exercises (for that read daft party game type thingummies) I had a delicious 3 course lunch in the absolutely fantastic Cellar Restaurant at The Belfast Castle. All in all, not a bad day :-)

2003-12-10T11:58:00.000Z

Not long till my courses finish for the Christmas break, thank God. Just one presentation to give on Monday night, and two more assignments to complete. I have put the ECDL on hold for now, I need to concentrate on my other work. I've never given a presentation before, and I'm not exactly looking forward to doing this one.

I found I was able to get out of bed no problems this morning, which is probably a sign that I am starting to get used to the anti-depressants. I still feel a bit groggy, and I could happily lie down and sleep for an hour or three now, but I want to get my work done (yes, I know, if I'm doing work then why am I doing this? Odd, when I have an assignment on, cleaning my bathroom/windows/dog suddenly becomes a top priority).

FruitLoops phoned me last night, she is going to call round at lunchtime today. Last time she was here I had to throw her cup out after she went because she was so mingingly filth encrusted that I could not imagine any amount of scrubbing removing her germ ridden residue from my cup. I am steeling myself to broach the subject of her hygiene today. I feel sick with nerves just thinking about it. To be honest, now I know her daughter is being well cared for I want to remove myself from what passed for a friendship - I have only stayed involved for the last three years for the sake of her daughter, so now I can walk away without any guilt. Well, without much.

Relentless

2003-12-08T22:36:00.000Z

Life is relentless, I have no choice but to keep on going along with it all. Saying that, apart form the headache that I have had all day, I am feeling a good bit better. I am not going to spend much longer feeling like this, life goes on whether I enjoy it or not, and I may as well make the most of it.

Thinking back, I think I started to get down at the end of October when I came back from Vic's house. Sometimes it feels like he doesn't exist, I love him to bits, I know he loves me too, but it's so much like being on my own all over again. I need physical contact, I need hugs and kisses, I need so much more than I have at the minute. Vic seems to cope so well with the distance between us, yet I don't cope at all. Phones are shit - I crave intimacy that a phone call or a conversation on MSN can't provide me with. And what's even worse is that I crave all this from him; while it would have been so much easier to fall in love with someone who lives in the same country that's not what happened. There is nothing to think about though, I love him and don't want to lose him; the distance is incredibly difficult, but we will get through it.

The other biggy is my course. When I got 75% in one of my exams last year my mum merely said "Oh, is that any good?" and when I told her I got 85% in the other she said "Well that's better." Maybe this is why I feel whatever work I submit just isn't good enough, and no mark less than perfect is acceptable. No more though. I aim to pass my course, as long as I leave with a degree I will try to be happy (Rational Emotive Therapy, repeat it as a mantra as often a possible and soon it will be believed, I hope). I will succeed, I will be happy.

I got home from my lecture to find the babysitter has sprayed (in spray snow, not paint) Happy Xmas on my kitchen window. The kids love it, I hate it. It will have to go. She also ate the last of my Cadbury's chocolate fingers. I was forced to eat a Terry's chocolate Orange that should have been in a childs stocking on Christmas morning as compensation.

Mr Mercedes hasn't phoned me to inform me how much damage I inflicted on his car. I am hoping he has lost my phone number.

From shitty to shittier

2003-12-07T21:52:00.000Z

The day got off to a pretty good start. We were up at about 10am to leave H of at my mums, then A and I headed off to Newtownards Leisure Centre for his Ju-Jitsu grading. After 2 1/2 hours of Ju-Jitsu, he emerged grasping his newly acquired blue belt and a big grin. We went to McDonalds (yuk) for a celebratory Lunch, and then off to get H.
On an economy drive, I decided to pop into Iceland on the way home, in an attempt to do some cheap shopping. At the till I got a phone call from my mum, she needed me back asap as she had to go out. The receipt printer at the till was fucked, and the girl refused to let me go without signing for my purchases. I offered to sign the bottom of the mangled receipt, but no, that wouldn't do. 5 minutes later I asked her to refund the amount to my card, I would leave the shopping as I was in a rush. But no, she couldn't do that without the original correctly signed receipt. I told her that was arse, that my card had already been debited and my signature was only as security. I told her I didn't have time and was leaving the shop - just as the supervisor turned up (10 minutes and about 50000 disgusted looks from people in the queue later)
Got H, and was told she had a sore neck. Sore? She couldn't move her head, arms or back. I phoned the doctor and was told to take her to the hospital. As I searched for a parking space I backed into a car. Not just any wee car, but a big fuck off Merc. Thankfully I only damaged his headlight, and the only thing damaged on my car was the number plate, but still, it's going to cost me a hell of a lot more than I have right now - ie nothing. I wonder if he will let me put it on my visa card?
H has sprained muscles in her neck. She will be off school for 2 days, and God love her, she is suffering. And I am back to worrying about money again.
Ah well, at least Vic will be here this weekend.

Weary

2003-12-06T22:36:00.000Z

The Zispin are making me feel really sleepy all the time. In work today I felt oddly detached from everything. I feel like a spectator rather than a participant. I have frequently felt a bit on the outside of things, but never like this. Living like this would be almost trippy if it wasn't so tiring. I need to get used to these pills soon.

Only a week till Vic comes over - yay. Only a week to get all my assignments completed, my house tidy. And I have given up on losing the weight before he comes over. By Thursday I'll probably have given up on tidying my house too. There was another dead mouse in my airing cupboard tonight. There must be a whole family of them for me to kill - yuk!

FruitLoops phoned me tonight (twice). She has invented a man called Alistair and a relationship with him. Apparantly she cooked his dinner for him last night - and that was the giveaway, the one lie too many. I mean, with the crusted blood/shit? under her fingernails, nobody could eat anything she cooked.

Lizard also phoned me tonight to tell me she has hurt her back.

And my mum phoned twice. And when I got in from work she was sleeping in my bed. I have no time to call my own. Nowhere that is mine exclusively. I have started locking the door when I am on the loo and the kids think I am being unreasonable. Maybe I am, but I just want everyone to fuck off and leave me alone for a few days. Yeah, ok, I know that is unreasonable! I need some Christmas spirit, and quick.

2003-12-05T16:03:00.000Z

I started taking my anti-depressant tablets again last night. I'm not 100% convinced that I need them again, but sure they'll not do any harm. I have noticed that over the last few weeks I have becoe increasingly anti-social - not wanting to answer the phone, not replying to messages left on my answer machine. When I go online I hate signing into MSN messenger because I know it'll mean I have to talk to people. I have been feeling under pressure continuously - I don't know what I feel under pressure to be/do, I just know that I need to be better, do things better, get it all done. I can cry at the drop of a hat, and once I start I findd it hard to stop. Depressed? I don't know, but I do know that I will go mad if I don't get rid of this pressurised feeling.
There are so many demands on my time. I will always put my kids first, they are the most important things in my life, and that's how it should be. Consequently, every evening of the week I am taking them to their clubs and friends houses etc. Friends demand that I talk to them. I can't remember the last time I had enough time to watch something on tv - not even Coronation Street, I haven't watched it the whole way through for months, and it's only half an hour.
Well, you'd be forgiven for thinking that as I am running around maniacally that my house is spotless and my coursework is all up to date. And that's the problem, my house is messy, and I have 3 assignments to get on with. I know people who work full time, have houses that look like Kim and Aggie have just been there for a week, get all their coursework done effortlessly, get A grades for it, and are always made-up, dressed up and presentable. Shit, I feel like I am failing at everything.
No more time to sit and complain, the kids are off to 2 Christmas parties tonight - lucky them, hope there is some form of caffeine for sale otherwise I'll never stay awake!

Aaarrrggghhhh!

2003-12-03T19:24:00.000Z

Sometimes I am amazed at my own stupidity. I blame my weepiness on my menstrual hormonal state. I can't believe I have sat and cried in frustration because I'm finding the assignment for my programming course so bloody difficult. It must be my hormones. But, 2 weeks ago when I was doing the same thing, what was my excuse then?

Now that I've achieved 100%, I know that any mark less than this will be perceived as being shit. I also know that this isn't right, and that I will probably never again get 100% in anything. Why do I put myself under this stress? When did it all stop being fun?

To karaoke or not to karaoke?

2003-12-03T12:42:00.000Z

I want a karaoke machine. I really, truly want one. I really, truly can't afford one. But I had so much fun at Caramel's house on Saturday night (well, before she passed out and I had to kneel in a muddy puddle to administer first aid and then go to the hospital looking like a dirty tramp, I had fun then!) that I have convinced myself that the machine is instant fun in a box. When I'm sad I could just plug it in and sing along. When I'm happy I could just plug it in and sing along. When I'm alone I could just plug it in and sing along. When I have friends round we could all just plug it in and sing along. See how I'm talking myself into this?

Anyway, reasons to get one:
I want one
If the kids wanted one for Christmas I would put it on my plastic without a second thought

Reasons not to get one
My visa bill came in this morning
I can't sing for toffee
Nobody else likes karaoke

Oh bugger, can't think of any good reasons, looks like I'm back to singing in the bath :-(

Bah!

2003-12-01T21:16:00.000Z

I feel ill again. So ill I didn't go to my lecture today - which just proves how ill I am. I pride myself on my fantastic attendance record. I don't care anyway, it was only Dr J, and he puts all his slides online anyway so I can teach myself via PowerPoint.

Good news is Vic will be back over in a week and a half. I almost can't believe he's going to be here again - I have a week and a half to lose a ton and a half and get better. Well, one of those things will happen for sure.

Feeling much better

2003-11-30T10:37:00.000Z

Thank goodness I'm feeling much, much better now. Still look and sound a bit shitty which manages to elicit some sympathy from the kids which is good cos it means they are kind of well behaved.

I was invited to Caramels house for dinner last night, Lizard picked me up and shortly after we got there Caramels on/off girlfriend Potato arrived. I hadn't eaten since about midday, and all I'd had then was a muffin - I was helping in my mums shop yesterday, and it was the busiest day the shop had ever had since it opened, so there was no time to scratch my arse never mind have something to eat. Anyway, the smells of cooking food were strangely absent, but I waited, drank a black ice, and waited........and waited.....and waited......and was offered........a bag of salt and vinegar crisps. Hmmmmmm. The crisps were indeed delicious - never have I been so glad of a packet of crisps! Only having met Caramel once in my life before, I was a bit loathe to say "Oi, where's the dinner I was promised?" When she left the room, Lizard went after her to as, apparently she hadn't been feeling well and hadn't been able to cook. Wish she had phoned to let us now, but anyway........

I had great fun on her karaoke machine - I am unsure as just how much fun the others had listening to me having karaoke fun, but I didn't care :-) Lizard made one or two comments through the night which I ignored, but which also alerted me to the fact that if I had too much to drink I think she was going to try it on again. I regretted my decision not to drive, and was also a bit annoyed that Manga hadn't came along - Lizard wouldn't have tried anything in front of Manga, her on/off ex.

We had phoned a taxi, and as Caramel lived in an apartment we went downstairs to wait for it. The cabbie had said that if we weren't waiting for him he would go on without us. When we got outside Caramel said she didn't feel well, and seemed to have trouble breathing. Then she passed out, and kept fading in and out of consciousness. An ambulance was phoned, and she was taken to the hospital. It transpired that she had been to the hospital and had an appointment to attend the diabetic clinic in a few weeks. From the hospital I got a taxi home, made myself a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea, sat online for a while and then went to bed. Ah well, that was a great night.

At least I'm feeling better.

I'm ill

2003-11-28T22:13:00.000Z

Poor me, I am ill. I have a really bad cold, I have been throwing up, I can't breathe properly, my inhalers aren't helping and I feel incredibly sorry for myself. I will post again when I am feeling better. Any sympathy will be most gratefully received

2003-11-25T23:52:00.000Z

I deserve congratulations - I got my assignment completed (and I finished my Christmas shopping yesterday). I got so bloody frustrated trying and failing, trying and failing - repeat ad infinitum, and then when I got to my lecture it was all plink, plink, plink as the pennies dropped. He hadn't taught us the stuff we needed to know before he set the assignment- good planning, eh? About halfway through the lecture it all fell into place, and now I feel so relieved.
I don't know why I stress so much about these trivialities. Earlier today, when I couldn't get my program to run (again) I practically had myself convinced that I was the thickest person I know (not helped much by genius boyfriend telling me how simple my coursework is even though he has no Java knowledge) and I was considering changing my course options. I get so easily disheartened; I need to boost my self confidence. I know that I frequently come across as very self assured, but I spend a lot of the time cringing inside, worrying that I am saying/doing the wrong thing, worrying that I am going to let myself/others down - and endless list of self criticism. I wish I could stop. I need to stop. In the immortal words of Whitney Houston, "Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all"

What a week!

2003-11-23T23:40:00.000Z

I feel like I haven't really sat down and relaxed all week. I've been running the kids here there and everywhere all week, but sure they're worth it. At least they'll have memories of me being a mum who could be arsed to do things.

I managed to sneak A, age 10, into The Matrix Revolutions this afternoon, so now I am his hero. The special effects were amazing, and we both enjoyed this one much more than the second. A's enjoyment was heightened by the knowledge that he had pretended to be 15 to get into the film - and I remember that feeling of exhilaration from when I was 15 pretending to be 18 to get into a pub, that YES!! I'm in. We shared a large popcorn - or rather I held it and ate the crumbs and bits of unpopped corn at the bottom after he had stuffed himself with the decent stuff.

H has been staying at my mums since Friday night as my brother and his girlfriend have come up from Cork for the weekend, along with their daughter. As their daughter is only 4, H is enjoying acting the big girl, and is reveling in being adored by the wee one who thinks she is fantastic. I know this will sound awful, but I haven't missed her! (I have seen her twice yesterday and three times today though, so possibly I haven't been away from her for long enough). One child is so much less work and so much more enjoyable than two - no bickering, no vying for attention and no bloody constant chatter about Santa lists and Bratz dolls. Ah well, they all go home tomorrow and life will return to our type of normal then too.

I have an assignment to do, and I still haven't completed it, which is really lazy for me. I get frustrated with MSN messenger automatically signing me in, I need to learn to disable that so that I can go online without talking to people, and then I'd get it all done in no time. No more procrastinating after tomorrow lol. I need to get this finished by Tuesday, shit.

Caught it!

2003-11-22T18:38:00.000Z

Caught the mouse, and it was a tiny pathetic poor wee thing. I warned the kids not to look, but the morbid wee buggers insisted on getting an eyeful. They weren't at all horror struck as I had imagined they might be, in fact they studied every detail of the mouse, laughed at it's mouth tightly clamped on a piece of minty Aero the size of it's head, and debated whether or not it could be fed to the gecko - ultimately deciding that it was too big, and anyway, they prefer to give it live food.

I helped in my mums shop today, and it was a murder picture. People buying tree lights and wrapping paper and *quality* knick-knacks at 99p at £1.50 to give as gifts. I mean, I really don't mind them buying these things - after all it keeps my mum and gives me an extra few quid a week, but ffs I have no patience for people who take half an hour dithering while deciding between two candlesticks at 85P each. I mean, c'mon it's only 85p, take them both and if you don't like one when you get home bin it..

I came home absolutely wrecked, too tired to cook and way too tired to even think about going out tonight. I have ordered Chinese - wish it would hurry up, I am salivating at the thought of duck parcels and chicken satay. I have a lovely bottle of McGuigans black label sitting ready to be guzzled, the water heater is on so I can jump into the bath and then get my pj's on, and I have a bar of Turkish Delight for consumption while watching The Royal Tenebaums. Sometimes a boring night in is exactly the best type of night.

There's a moose loose aboot this hoose

2003-11-19T23:30:00.000Z

I have a mouse in my house somewhere. Not a pet one, but a real live shitty wee verminous one. I was cleaning out my cleaning cupboard - y'know the cupboard under the kitchen sink? Well, that one. Anyway, as I was lifting stuff out I thought "Oh look, some seeds. But, what seeds would I have in there?" Yeah, I am a bit slow on the uptake sometimes. Anyway, I realised when I took the dogfood box out and seen that the corner had been nibbled.

So, apologies to all rodent lovers - but, if you want it alive come and effing well get it out of my house yourself. Aw shame, no Pied Piper type callers to come and take it away. My cupboards are all emptied and fully loaded, as is my airing cupboard as everyone tells me it is where they go to make nests.

I really don't know how I am going to get it out of the house once it is trapped. In case it is very bloody and gory and vom inducing I have put tin foil under all the traps so the captured specimen can be wrapped up and turfed out. I better catch the bugger soon, dirty wee shite.

Bloody computers

2003-11-17T23:25:00.000Z

Don't get me wrong, I love computers, it's just the computers that I have the misfortune to own that I hate.

I have a dinosaur that lives in the hall. It's so slow I can't use it, it frustrates me to sit and wait so long for pages to load up. So, somewhat magnanimously of myself, I gave it to the kiddies to do their kiddie stuff on - neopets, barbie.com and the like. I was only able to do this as I had gotten a brand new super whizzy laptop. Or, so it said on the box. Unfortunately, this laptop was no Ronseal product - quite the opposite. In fact I wish it did exactly one thing that it says on the tin, but no such luck. It crashes with frustrating frequency, it corrupts files frequently, the DVD drive is intermittent in whether or not it will open never mind play a CD/DVD, and my Ethernet connection is looser than my granny's knicker elastic.

I've sent it back, had it repaired and returned to me with none of the repairs done and two bloody great big cracks in the casing. So, of course they repaired that, but I know that some internal damage has been done - the bugger is even more useless now than it was before. I've had the computer back, supposedly fully repaired, for about 5 weeks now. The first reformat was required over the weekend - so, back to a once a month reformat already. That's a shit computer system, and it's now out of warranty. So, short of defrauding the insurance company be *accidentally* dropping it and causing it to be irreparably damaged;

Dear Santa
I have been a really, really good girl this year. I haven't asked for anything from you for years, so please, please, please can I have a new laptop?
T xxxxxx

Christmas shopping

2003-11-14T20:03:00.000Z

I've almost got all in for the kids, but Vic and my mum are vexing me greatly. VIc would like a film by Dani from Babestation, but I can't find it anywhere! My mum - well ffs she is my mum, she's got everything she wants, and when I buy her anything she always says she could have bought it for less at the wholesalers. I know it's a bit early to be stressing about Christmas pressies, but with it being my son's birthday on the 23rd, I like to be all organised by the start of December.

We phoned little Dilemma tonight, she is settling into her new life with her dad, stepmum, and baby sister very well, though she is a bit disappointed that she hasn't started her new school yet. She asked to be sent a pic of the kids and the dog, but not me - hmmm, that speaks volumes lol.

Just setting off to take my daughter and her friend to a disco - spose I'd better get used to this, the kids taking off and enjoying themselves at the weekend while I sit in and watch regional tv shite.

On the Up

2003-11-12T13:54:00.000Z

Today has been a good day - things are getting better!
I got an assignment back on Monday, 76%, which was nice.
I handed one in last night, a cursory glance was enough for him to tell me it's ace, so I'm hoping for another high mark for that one.
Little Dilemma is very happy to be in England; her friend, with whom she will be going to school, met her at the airport yesterday and she is very excited about going to a new school and helping out with her baby sister.
Dilemma's fruitcake mother signed herself into a psychiatric ward, though it's uncertain how long they will keep her.
The next 11+ paper is next week and A says he isn't worried at all about it, last weeks wasn't too bad.
I had a wee doze and a read in the bath this morning - 3 of my favorite things :-)
Vic's mum says she will mind his cat so he can be with us at Christmas.
I feel so much lighter in spirit today now that everything seems to be working out well.

2003-11-11T11:04:00.000Z

Feeling very un-refreshed after a sleepless night thrashing about (all alone mind, not in a fun way) on the sofa. I feel fairly instrumental in the child's move to England, and I have been besieged by worries that maybe I should have done something differently.
I took her to school this morning, she asked me if I could go to school with her until her dad comes at lunchtime. I said I would, but then the headmaster said no - so I feel like shit that I couldn't do that one last thing for her before she goes. I gave her a kiss, told her I'd see her soon and then came out to the car and cried my eyes out. I have been carrying the burden of worrying about her for over a year now, and now that it is lifted I do feel relief. But, I loved the wee minx, and it really does feel like a last goodbye. So final.
I really hope that when she looks back on her life here in Ireland she will realise that there were some people who cared for her, who went the extra mile and who had her best interests at heart. I hope that at 9 years old she hasn't been so badly fucked up by what she has seen and been through that she turns out like her mum, who was in turn emulating what she grew up with.
Tears are falling from my eyes straight onto my legs as I sit here, big heavy wet realisations that I will miss her more than I thought I would; I no longer need to worry about her but I can't help it. I hope she will be happy in her new life - that's all I ever wished her, happiness

How many kids?

2003-11-10T22:17:00.000Z

This morning I was told I was having an extra child come to live with me again. Now I've been told she isn't. I know I'm confused, but God love the poor child cos if I feel clueless she must feel 100 times more so.
This is the child I was referring to when I slagged off social workers on Vanessa's blog. Just 6 or 7 weeks ago her case was closed by social workers. God only knows what has been going on this last week or so, but at lunchtime today it was decided that it was necessary to remove her from her mothers care. Immediately. She goes to England to live with her dad tomorrow. For ever. I am waiting for her to come here, her mother has decided that her last night here should be spent with me. Her mother has not seen her since she set off for school this morning. She was given the option of keeping the child till tomorrow when it is time for her to go, but prefers not to. It wasn't even her who told the girl she was to go to her fathers.
I feel I am typical of most mothers, and this particular mothers behaviour vexes me.. If I knew I was going to lose my kids tomorrow, I would give them a day to remember. I'd be taking photos, and getting as many hugs and kisses as I could fit in. I'd keep them off school tomorrow - she's leaving the school, what does it matter? I wouldn't call my family members (who were never there before) round to sympathise and plot revenge against those who sought to remove my child. I'd take a long fucking hard look at my sad, sorry life, and resolve to do the best I could to improve things so I would have a chance of getting my kids back. But then again, I'd never give my kids up, or treat them so badly that I am given no option other than to do so. Please God.

2003-11-10T01:10:00.000Z

Lizard phoned me earlier, and I'm glad she did, because I was dreading talking to her again - I never would have phoned her in a million years! I told her that I hadn't been out looking for anyone, and that I had just went out to have a bit of a laugh. She asked me not to tell Vic what had happened, and I said I wouldn't - but of course I already had. I don't know what goes on in my head sometimes. Last night why couldn't I have said "fuck off, I'm not interested" instead of just moving away. Maybe my rebuttal wasn't definite enough, and that's why she tried again. Why couldn't I have just said to her today "I've told him, he's pissed off, so am I; this must ever happen again?" Why is it when someone bumps into me I apologise? When someone steps on my toe and it hurts like a bastard I say it's ok, it doesn't hurt? When a friend ( and after all, we are supposed to be able to talk frankly to our friends) does something that really upsets me I laugh it off and say it's ok - why?

Next time I talk to Lizard I want to say that I have told Vic, and told him that it won't happen again BECAUSE IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN. Of course, I have rehearsed this 100 times in my head - bet I don't say it. Bet I never say anything. Sometimes I wish I had balls.

My night on the town

2003-11-09T03:34:00.000Z

I've never been anywhere with so many peroxide streaked, muscle t-shirted men and gelled up denim clad women all under one roof. I guzzled my Smirnoff Ice before I went, and when I got there it was happy hour so I bought 6 more to last me throughout the course of the night - great stuff!

Being the new girl in the place I got chatted up loads, which was amusing. Apart from on one occasion.

My mate Lizard, who promised Vic that she wouldn't let me misbehave (as if I would), tried to kiss me. Twice. Then she wanted to leave the others home first and then come home with me. The first time she tried to kiss me I moved my mouth away, the second time I forcibly moved her away. I am a bit confused. I think if I wasn't shocked I'd be kinda upset. I don't know why she did this, and as nothing like this has happened before I don't know what way to play it from here. She wants me to call round for a cuppa sometime next week - which I won't; and she said she would give me a ring - I don't want to answer the phone!

I don't want an atmosphere between us, I don't want to avoid her - but I don't know what else to do. And without Lizard I can't go to any more gay bars, after all it is her who protects me from the predatory females. Bugger

A Night On The Town

2003-11-08T17:43:00.000Z

I'm getting ready for a night out, and I can't wait. It's been a long time since I got so excited about a night out - but then again, it's been a long, long time since I've been out! I have two rather large bottles of Black Ice in the fridge, and I will be tucking into them shortly - yay, I'm going to get bladdered. I don't know what I'm wearing - but I don't care either, I'm going out whhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
The only downer is that a certain chicken factory worker will be there too, but apparently she has found herself a woman, so fingers crossed I'll not get pestered. Last week Lizard told her if she annoyed me she would get a dig in the head - Lizard is a true mate. Lizard also told Vic that if he ever broke my heart she would fly over to England and kill him - and I believe her too lol.
So have a great night everyone, I know I intend to:-)

One down, one to go

2003-11-07T12:36:00.000Z

First exam over, he said "It wasn't too hard, wasn't too easy, I don't want to talk about it any more and can I have a fiver!"

11+

2003-11-06T10:03:00.000Z

My son is doing his first 11+ exam tomorrow. He is only 10, and though he is doing very well in the practic tests at school, he is worried sick. I have tried to put no pressure on him - but it's inevitable. Kids that age know that if they fail they are going to a secondary school, and that to get to a grammar school they need to pass. He is consistently in the top 3 in his class, but that doesn't dictate how he will perform in the exams. There seemed to be a lot less pressure when I did it, I knew nobody that had a tutor for the exam. Seems about half his class have private tutors now. I didn't get A one. Now I'm wondering if I'll regret not having done so.

I know the education system is under review here in Northern Ireland - I think England did away with the whole grammar school system years ago. But I agree with it, it works very well. Children are assessed at a young age to determine which type of education they are best suited to. Instead of it being seen this way it is seen as a pass/fail system, which is unfortunate. But surely there is a better way than having the poor wee ducks sitting a formal exam at age 10/11. Surely some type of assessed work throughout the year would be a better indicator?

I want both my kids to have the best chances possible in their lives; I want them both to go to grammar school. They want to too, but only because that's what I have decided is best for them? Who knows?

I constantly worry I am not doing the best for my kids. I hope by allowing A to sit these exams I am doing the best for him. I would hate any child aged 10/11 to feel that they had "failed" at education.

Yay - for real this time

2003-11-05T22:56:00.000Z

Fianlly, really, truly finished (the trifle and the assignment). The kids acted as testers and were more than willing to point out every flaw (again, both the trifle and the assignment).

Got about 50 pages into a book last night when I realised I had already read it - now doesn't that just show how memorable it was? Garp has been shelved for the foreseeable future, I will read trash from now until the end of term.

An aside - vaginally, how is it pronounced?
I say vah-jyn-al-ee.
Vic says it all American, vah-gin-al-ee.
I say American is wrong wrong wrong, and I want to be right, right, right. For once. Please?

Boo!!

2003-11-05T14:05:00.000Z

After my big yay to myself, and all my self congratulatory happiness, I have realised that I haven't really finished. Bugger. There isn't really much more to do to, but I really can't be arsed to do it today.

Brainiac no more.

Yay!

2003-11-05T11:32:00.000Z

I am so pleased with myself - I have finished my assignment :-) I have an exam in 6 weeks, but even I am not enough of a swot to start revising for it just yet.

I deserve a reward, and oh, coincedence or what - there jsut happens to be the mst delicious raspberry trifle sitting in my fridge, singing to me every time I walk past - jumping off it's shelf when I open the fridge door! I must eat it, and now!!!

I dunno what I have done....

2003-11-04T23:53:00.000Z

...but I have managed to lose all my comments! (Not that there were that many anyway, but it was nice to have them). I have put it a new comment thing, fingers crossed this one works!

Tonights lecture was challenging, which was nice. I have 4 programs to write for this assessment, and two weeks to do it - but me being my usual swotty arse, I am going to try to get them done for next week. Then hopefully David (one of the nicest lecturers I have had so far) will look over it and offer some suggestions for improvement. At least that is my plan - it worked last year anyway.

I managed to get 2 of the programs completed during the practical tonight, but one of my fellow students, Tomato, was having problems understanding what was required from her. I was having problems understanding when she was telling me what her problems were, so to make life a bit easier I gave her my floppy with my programs on it. Obviously I wasn't the only one having problems understanding, cos she didn't give me the disk back. It's easier just to rewrite the progs than to explain to her what I meant. She better not get a higher mark than me!

Too early

2003-11-04T17:18:00.000Z

Some bugger down the road has their Christmas tree up already. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas. I start shopping for Christmas in January. I do my best to give the kids the best Christmas I can, and I always go for the full pikey Christmas with flashing lights, musical dancing Santas, snowmen, reindeers the lot. But please, a Christmas tree the first week in November? Too early even for me, Just hope the kids don't see it and start nagging me to put ours up, there is no way it's going up before the last week in November, though I'd prefer the first week in December.

I haven't exactly given up on reading The World According To Garp, but it is definitely the type of book that needs to be interspersed with other reading material. So, last night, I started reading Lucky, by Alice Sebold. It's a fantastic book, it documents her rape as a student and how it subsequently affected her life. I couldn't put it down, it is a fantastically well written book, I loved every minute of it and finished it this afternoon. So, back to my Irving, for now anyway......

Fed up

2003-11-03T23:11:00.000Z

I'm pissed off.
I miss Vic so much.
Too much.
I hate relying on this computer for all social intercourse once the kids are ensconced in bed.
I keep bursting into tears.
I have eaten too much choccy today.
I've still got the munchies.
I'm worried I'm shit at my course, my life - everything.
I was worried sick last night that my son would turn out like his shithead dad(The photo was taken before he got his head beaten in with hammers, haha, there is a God!)
I'm even more worried today.
I owe a fortune on my credit cards and really need to think about getting in control of my finances, which means cutting back on spending.
Santa doesn't cut back on spending, ever, because Christmas is free to him
I bit my thumbnail too far down and it was bleeding and it is sore
Ok, no more reasons to be pissed off, I just am. Think I should go to bed. Alone. Again :-(

Busy busy

2003-11-03T13:35:00.000Z

Monday is such a busy day for me, I hate it. I got up, got the kids up, and took them up to school. Traffic was dreadful, and when we got there A told me he had forgotten his homework. He didn't know where it was, but it was somewhere in a folder that was maybe yellow. I went back home, got properly washed (I only have the energy for a cursory wash first thing), found his homework, drove all the way back up to school to give it to his teacher, went and got my groceries in and back home. Time for a quick cuppa while I check my e-mail, and also see if Dr Uhomo has put tonights slides online yet. But no, of course he hasn't - he never has them online until just before the lecture, which is shit. I hate Powerpoint lectures.
Anyway, once I finish this cuppa (and this moan) I need to go leave some books off at the library, collect the kids from school, take H Irish dancing, bring A home to get his homework started, put dinner in the oven, get H from dancing, back home to let the babysitter in, and I need to leave the house at 4.15 to drive through the city centre for my 5pm lecture. Then, when the lecture is over I have to bomb it back across to the leisure centre to collect A from Ju-Jitsu, and then back home to put my feet up at last. bliss. Hopefully all in time to see the second episode of Corrie.
I hate Mondays

Dark Sunday nights

2003-11-02T20:43:00.000Z

Ahhhh, Sunday night, I love it.
Kids bathed and one in bed, the other one (the quiet one) is on his way; I like to get them in to bed as early as possible for the new school week (well, any excuse to get them to bed early really). I had a Meaty Edge pizza from Pizza Hut for dinner. The kids have loads of sweeties left over from Hallowe'en, and in the interests of their dental health I feel I should consume as many as possible. I'm off to the bath in a minute, then I'll get my cozy pj's on and loaf for the rest of the night (or possibly try to understand object oriented software stuff again, bleugh. But sure even that can be done while sitting on my ample arse). I love Sunday nights. The only thing that's missing is Vic Jameson - hard to believe I was with him only a week ago. But none of that, I fully intend to enjoy my quiet, lazy night in. Alone :-(

2003-11-02T16:08:00.000Z

K, I was hoping this blog thing would be quite straightforward - I mean, look at some of the complete eejits who manage to have nice blogs, so if they are capable of doing it, then I am obviously 100 times more capable of doing it. Well, no. I've spent the past 15 minutes trying to put comments and links on, dunno if it worked or not, and to be honest I no longer care!

I mean I've spent the last few hours trying to get through Chapter 2 - yes, only Chapter 2 and I'm struggling - of my Java book. I'm worried I'm doing the wrong bloody course if I can't cope with chapter 2 of programming, and now I can't even work an effing blog. Pah, I need chocolate

2003-11-02T11:46:00.000Z

I don't know why I have decided to start a blog - I only want one cos everyone else has one!!

Anyway, got up quite late this morning - I was absolutely knackered cos Bernie phoned me at 4am to tell me she had been out and had took too many e to be able to sleep! Nice of her to inform me of this, she only ever phones me when she is drugged up; and the only time I have ever met her apart from accidentally bumping into her at a pub or a club was once when I accidentally bumped into her at a funeral!

When she got off the phone the neighbours were fighting and I was torn between nosiness and tiredness, and when I decided that I should sleep my brain had decided it was time to get up. My body knew it wasn't. I tried to read, but my eyes were too sleepy, so I tired to listen to the fight, but it had ended. Ah well......

Got up and then finished the final chapters of the book I was reading - No Second Chance by Harlan Coben - bloody brill. Decided I had read too many enjoyable books recently so I am punishing myself by forcing myself to read another John Irving - The World According To Garp. Purgatory, though I deserve it for not going to church today